Today, I'm going to be honest, I spent a lot of time lounging in my bathrobe and thinking about all the cool people that I am not. This is a favorite pasttime and has the added benefit of being self-sustaining. That is, once I start thinking about all the cool people I'm not I find myself unable to move or think about anything else.
Gross, of course, and what got me out of the rut was the homemade bagels I'm experimenting with and a trip to Smith's for razors and chocolate covered pretzels.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that this time of the year is the pits. And my thesis is looming. But more what I'm trying to say is that it seems evident that something is off and I suspect it's something Happiness-Comes-From-Inside-of-You-Flavored. Something, doubtless, related to this idea of change that keeps (forever) poking at me. My friend posted the caption from an inspirational poster at her school: um, Don't let the person you are interfere with the person you'd like to become, or something and as much as I hate admitting it, this caption strikes a nerve. I'm terrified of becoming a new person. I'm terrified of change (I simultaneously sort of believe it's not possible).
My impulse is to reexamine my past in order to explain this. But I'll restrain myself.
James, early on when we were dating (is it ok that I'm publishing this, friend?) let me know that my 1-piece training suit was sort of frumpy. He did it in the nicest way possible. And, to his defense, other friends have told me the same thing (I wore it in Costa Rica with board shorts and was definitely wearing 5 times as much fabric as any other person). And don't get the wrong idea. But I got very defensive. Secretly defensive, of course, because that's the way I roll(ed). I bought a new (much cuter) suit and wore it and swallowed the defensiveness until it exploded some other day.
But I looked and felt better in the new suit. Just like I feel better when I'm dressed up a little and exploring the fundamentals of eye shadow (if any of you have eye shadow expertise btw, I'd love to hear it) and not being a pokey sarcastic elitist snob.
But these changes are hard to make. It's hard to believe that I can both be loveable and have anything to improve on.
Enter this staring contest I've been having with God for the last 2 years. I know he wants me to be happy, fundamentally, but I also know he wants me to be the best me, and that means changing. I feel like instead of embracing change (or even basic maintenance of, like, my work ethic and love for other people) I've been doing really dumb crap and insisting he prove he loves me anyway. Like a toddler smearing poop on the wall: do you love me now? How about now?
Which is all a way of saying: I don't like changing. I don't want to.
Which is all a way of saying: I feel really stuck/trapped/frustrated and am not really sure what to do next.
amen.
ReplyDeleteI hate this semester in ways that I haven't hated a semester in a long time, and I think a lot of it has do with these ideas. I think it also has to do with facing the thesis, the anxiety that comes with writing "collaboratively" with people who are so not my peers at all, the lack of employment, and the what now? thing. It's scary.
ReplyDeleteI must say, I like it that you're a pokey sarcastic elitest snob, probably because I know that you're also willing to try to love others and work on changing or at least recognize that we are expected to.
So, I guess I'm saying "men." too. I'm just taking a lot longer because that's how I roll (and I'm not changing, so there :P ).
oh I just love you. really. I totally understand the feeling though- change is SOOO hard!! also- i have some tips on eyeshadow that I think you might want to hear- let me know :)
ReplyDeleteKjerstin, I loved this post: it's so honest, and you have honestly articulated how I feel, too.
ReplyDeleteI think you're great, by the way, and I so admire your talent for candidly and clearly expressing what you think and feel. And I hope you don't mind that I read your blog. (I think Katie E. recommended it to me.)
i can do eyeshadow, but that's about it. though i can't change eyeshadow...i can't bring myself to use the lime green i just bought. so i guess i'm no help at all. :)
ReplyDeleteyou encapsulated so perfectly what i feel, the change part. as for eye shadow expertise, i visit the mac/nordstrom counter and let them beautify me with my eyes closed. it's awesome. and free.
ReplyDeleteI sort of love this post.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'm pretty fascinated by these cool people who you aren't. I've some suspicion the cool people I aren't is you, but I don't spend a lot of time on it, so I can't be sure. . .